Jett will be six weeks old this Sunday, the same day as mine and Kyler second wedding anniversary! I Love Jett more than I could have ever imagined! I swear every single day he gets even cuter (and slightly balder :)
After I had Jett I was talking on the phone to one of my old college roomies.
Lara asked me what it was like
after I gave birth. So I thought I would share my experience....
(Disclaimer: I am a little irritated with myself that I have been so hesitant about posting this entry, because of being worried about what people may think of me, it is very important to me that my blog entries are always honest but thanks to photoshop my photos never are.)
Honestly it was far different than I could have ever imagined or even anticipated. I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself, I had imagined myself having the attitude of I am Mother hear me roar and going about my motherly duties with confidence and ease but instead I was timid and scared when It came to interacting with my little boy. He was just so small.
I had imagined that I would instantly bond with Jett and that I would suddenly feel like a mother. But instead I felt insecure and slightly awkward when I nursed him, changed his diaper or even when I held him. I was more than happy to step back and let the nurses, my Mom or even Kyler (who happened to take to parent hood like a duck to water) take care of him. The day after I gave birth to Jett they brought him into my hospital room while he slept, he and I were all alone for the very first time. I stared at him the whole time he was sleeping. I could not make myself relax out of fear that something was going to happen to him or somehow go wrong.
My Mom and Pops came down to help with the baby I am truly actually I will go as far as saying eternally grateful for all the help my parents gave me. Because it made the world of difference. My sister Ginny warned me that "you haven't experienced guilt until you experienced motherhood" She was so RIGHT! If I discovered that Jett was sitting in a wet diaper I felt horrible, If I didn't here him crying right away I felt bad, my life was being completely governed by guilt......then my Madre gave me some sound advice (she is totally notorious for doing that.) She is seriously so WISE! She explained that there is not a mother out there who does not worry about their child. And that there will never be any guarantee that they will always be okay. She said that all you can do is simply pray for them....there is power in prayer and simply relax and enjoy all the time you do have with them. Simple yet profound advice.... so much easier said then done. But I do know how to pray and I am so not afraid to do it.
(My lovely ever so wise Mother)
When Jett was about 5 days old I watched him in his swing. He looked so sweet and peaceful as he slept, I thought to myself I should ask Mom if I can pick him up... then I laughed out loud when I realized how ridiculous that thought was! I didn't have to ask my Mom, he was mine.... and I was his. So I went ahead and scooped him up. That is when things started changing. Looking back that had to be the moment that I started Embracing motherhood.
When my Mom left to go back to Oregon I sat on the couch and cried (for a very long time I might add), I felt like I couldn't stop. I was so scared and was overwhelmed with the tremendous responsibility Kyler and I had suddenly undertaken. The confidence I had gained a few days earlier was suddenly shaken. Kyler being the good man he is kept on asking what he could do to "fix" the way I was feeling. I knew the only thing that would "fix" the way I was feeling was....time. Time to adjust.
It is funny how time always seems to do the trick! And oh my goodness time has really worked its magic because at six weeks things feel so natural and just so simply good around here. While I may not have taken to motherhood as quickly as I had hoped I realized that It really doesn't matter. Because I want to be a Consistent mother, not a Perfect one. Consistent in my love for him, consistent in the time I spend with him and the rules I make for him and hopefully always consistently being there for him. I want to be the type of mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend that is more then happy to drop what ever I am doing to to be a listening ear or willing to sit down and play with out watching the clock.....because in the end people are far more important then having my kitchen clean and my floors swept....: )
I am not sure what Kyler and I did for fun before Jett was part of our family....we must have been awfully bored....!!
(Once a missionary Lover ALWAYS a missionary LOVER......)
xoxoxo
