when my children were born so was I

When my children were born so was I.  I am a devoted mother wearing the title of Mother proudly around my neck (and stomach, hips and thighs...;) That title has come with the sweetest euphoric experiences completing us. The one time in our lives where we love someone more than ourselves, where we love uncongionaly and get to hold perfection (that friends is the reason we sign up to parent!) only to be deeply contrasted with the feeling that my knees are shaking  ready to give out simple because carrying the weight of mother around my neck feels like more than I can bare.... The moment that a child becomes yours is like someone branding "Mother" on your forehead it has a way of intensifying every emotion you have ever felt and questioning every decision you have ever made. Making your child never far from your thoughts.

I have the sweetest little boy with Autism. Watching my son change regress so quickly felt like a death in so many ways. The life we once knew disappeared and we were suddenly thrown into a world that is both beautiful and heartbreaking. Never choosing it but not wanting or willing to change his uninhibited spirit either. Because in the words of Fiona Goldsworthy "Autism is hard but loving him is easy."

Motherhood is hard, Loving them is easy.

Somedays I am brave. I handle the tantrums that come with the simple things that most parents might not even think about with grace and ease that shocks even me.

you are the mom for the job

Why you are the mom for the job.

I've found that inside of most of us lives a voice, an inner critic. The inner critic may disguise herself as humility, vanity and often times both. It is the insecurity that makes us vulnerable. It's crippling.  The voice that compares, belittles and disarms our very character.....the whispering that reminds us that we are in fact a "bad" mom, wife.....even person.....and of course this inner critic is armed with array of proving and telling memories that she is willing  and ready to flood our minds with if we so much as question or even dare to defend....so maybe you have listened to her for so long that you have started to believe her, started to conform. I mean after all why would someone take care of themselves or their children when they themselves aren't even worthy?

Not worth loving.

Truthfully the inner critic is wrong.

She is lying.

I have come to realize that the attack on the nobility of motherhood is not  just a worldwide epidemic as much as it is a deeply rooted personal one. The repercussion is devastating.

So just in case you haven't heard this in a while, you are the mom for the job. You are an incredible person and you are loved.

Heck, You are doing a *dang* good job.

In a Hallmark shop Jett screamed. He seemed frustrated, overwhelmed and confused. My angel older sister was at the cash register exchanging a Mickey mouse stuffed animal she just purchased in hopes of calming him down (he loves "mick-me") for one that was twice as expensive that flapped his hands and said "you make me real happy pal."  

Jett banged on the glass window searching for a handle. His eyes darted back and forth reminding of a baby animal caged and frightened, frantically and desperatly trying to escape.

I felt my body tense as I scanned the shops floor to ceiling carefully arranged displays full of fragile trinkets, and breakable ornaments.
A darling little bull in a china shop ;)

 I kneeled down and I calmly talked to him. A scene that plays out daily making it feel fluid almost even routine. After all I am that little boys voice and he is my heart.

Later my sister described the Hallmark cashier watching me in "awe." My sister told me how she was so impressed with the way I handled the situation with grace and that she admires how calm I talk to my children. And that I am doing a good job. She said how much she loves them and how they are such wonderful kids.

My inner voice wanted to stop her.

Confess all the times that I haven't spoke kindly to my little boy, the times that I have fallen short of showing love and respect to my children and husband.  The memories came flooding in aiming to prove it was all a facade! But they haven't seen you scream out of desperation....the times you hid in the bathroom and cried....the time you swatted their bums because you didn't know what else to do! The times you yelled to know one that you "quit!!"

But I didn't. Instead I silenced my inner critic, my inner voice.

Only then was I able to finally hear my  inner cheerleader screaming how yes in that very moment I was showing love and respect to my child!! I stayed calm!! I was most definitely the mom for the job!!  It will be okay!! And I felt sweet joy.

What would happen if we stopped listening to the crippling voice that tells us what we are not?

Completely Stopped focussing on when we WEREN"T being incredibly awesome and instead focusing on when we ARE being nothing short of unstoppable.

Our influence for good in this world is limitless......

It all starts with us.

Because inside all of us lives an inner cheerleader. Screaming you are the mom for the job. And you are awesome!


Then another little voice I like to refer to as truth who had been silenced for far to long spoke up.

Her voice was quiet, it was shaking.

Its because you love them.

Its because you have something inside of you that nobody else could offer them.  Somehow making YOU the mother for the job..... My little boy having autism is hard but loving him is easy!