those two

never ready to say goodbye

Kylers Grandma recently passed away. We celebrated her life last Thursday. She was ready to go and led one heck of a life!! Truly an incredible lady. I am so thrilled that after 23 years of patiently and lovingly waiting she is in the arms of the only man she had ever loved (She married Grandpa Rodger when she was 17) She was dearly loved and will be greatly missed!!

The funny thing about goodbye is were really never ready to say it.

Today on my way to drop Jett off at school....I got the most devastating news. Our sweet dog Rodger was hit by a car and killed....I am shaking writing this. My mind keeps going back to last Tuesday. I was at his first training class and I was debating if I should purchase a wireless fence...they cost quite a bit of money. Our  sweet dog had a wanderlust soul. Our fence couldn't keep him in, I took comfort that  he mostly just stayed by me. always happy to greet us and jump in the back of our rhino for a family adventure. I was planning on picking the fence for him tomorrow. But tomorrow was clearly to late...

When I let him out for a potty break he tried to get back inside....I wish I would have let him.

A few moments later I couldn't find him...our neighbor called. And said that they think Rodger may have been hit....but his tags were missing? Sadly it was him.

Their teenage son stood there helpless and awkwardly shifting his weight from leg to leg  as I bawled.

They said they got him off the road and would barrie him for us.

I can't thank them enough.

Rodger was a gift from Jetts grandpa to be his friend. What I wasn't expecting it that he would  become mine. Oh sure Jett would love to chase that dog for hours on end. But truly the biggest service he did was for my soul.

 I never have been very fond of animals (that might be social suicide admitting that;) But somehow Rodger was the exception. I loved petting him and the simple company he provided....On the hardest of day he brought comfort...when it was needed most.

And now I am sitting here thinking about.....how/when did I stop listening? I have been so "busy" and distracted that somehow I have become so out of touch with myself, my essence and the most obvious the spirit.. I have made my world around me so loud that I refused or maybe simply couldn't hear the quiet whispering....to not let him out .....

When I let my guard down, just a bit my mind was flooded with so many good intentions and amazing and horrific moments that may have happened or even been prevented if only I acted on a generous thought..... if only I was a bit more aware.

The most heartbreaking for me is realizing what I missed out on because I was to busy staring at some form of a screen to even notice the life that was happening right in front of  me. Or that stepping out of my way to show love and kindness really would have made the difference.

I am done not listening.

After all how incredible is it that God almighty would love someone as flawed as myself that has been seemingly sewn up with good intentions, enough to very personally direct, guide and at times allow me to be an instrument in his hands....

Our job is simple. Listen then act. Oh and to love deeply.

I want to be kinder then I feel. I want to be present.

"Never suppress a kind thought."-Camilla Eyring Kimball

Also: I plan to be updating this post with lost of photos soon....and I wanted to share this bit of inspiration. 

SMILE

Kyler and I see the world so differently! He gives my life order, I give him freedom. We compliment and clash (sorry folks,It isn't always milk and oreos around here.. ;) ...adding balance.

 He is my voice of reason,  I am the color to a man that is very literally color blind. For this reason alone I love to challenge him to color matching games...HA

Lately I have cried. almost every day....definitely feeling 50 shades of crazy....actually a bit overwhelmed.I asked him last night with a general curiosity more than anything...why he even loves me?... He replied rather matter of fact with "well, why not?" and smiled.

Oh that smile of his! It makes my knees weak anytime it is flashed in my direction. It has an intangible, unexplainable power over me that is completely euphoric... Taking me from angry to elated in a second flat! 

And then Kyler did one of the kindness things he ever could have done.  He gave our little boy that gorgeous unsuppressed grin of his! And my heart hasn't stopped smiling over it since!

And as far as my little sassy pants Miss Wynn Charlotte goes.....

Is it even possible to look at that little beauty below....without

SMILING??? :)

Are you smiling?

Just as I guessed. Call it mothers intuition if you will! ;)

Happy Monday friends!

Also: I am starting a digital detox today....See you lovelies next Monday. 

his voice

Like many children Jett started (pre)school. Today.  (But for children with "extra" needs.)

Like most mothers I cried. Sobbed really.

But unlike most mothers I wasn't able to ask him about his day or have him stand in front of the door with a sign that read "First day of Preschool, 2013." 

Nope, I wasn't even brave enough to drop him off. I had my husband do that. I buckled him in his car seat and told him about the wonderful day he was about to have and that I would be there to pick him up. I wondered if he had any idea or if he knew what was happening.

He and I have hardly ever been apart. After all I am his voice, his advocate. The only one that can calm him down when he is unconsolable. The one that knows that when his eyes dart back and forth that he is scared. Trains and babies are his favorite. Or that he loves to be held and squeezed and where he is most ticklish.... and that he is never more alive then when he is being chased... the world of autism doesn't even seem to exist then.

I am his mother.

I doubled checked his bags; Kleenex, diapers, crayons, sandwich...that I snuck a handful of chocolate chips into :)

I kept smiling at him and reassured him that he would do great....and I would be fine.

Did his teacher really know how long he might cry for? It could be hours. He is strong willed and stubborn. My greatest fear is changing that about him...I just want to channel it ;) 

He truly is the sweetest. Will she see that?
Is she going to know what a neat little boy he is.
But, how can you not? :)

I kissed his cheek. It was still wet from a few moments earlier. He wanted to wear his footy pajamas....Now he was getting frustrated that his hands couldn't hold all the trains he needed them to. He carefully stuck a car under his chin.

I said goodbye, have a good day. With the same inflection in my voice that I use every morning when I send Kyler off to work.

Completely handing over my trust, my little boy to the care of someone else....In hopes they could teach him and give him experiences that I am not able to.

Winnie and I didn't really know what to do with ourselves.

I cleaned while, she pulled all the cushions off the couch and asked for "jetttt."

She napped...without interruption. It was bliss!

No little boys were there to knock on her door and then invite themselves in and yell "bay-BEE..." until she prematurely woke.

My house was quiet. It was a foreign feeling. I kind of liked it. I felt guilty for enjoying it.

I wondered if I should call the school and let them know that "boo" actually meant up,down, in, out and off.

I watched the clock. It was finally 3:00!

 I was still late to pick him up.

I seemed to have missed the instructions on parallel parking in high school and had to park an extra block away. Safety first.

Then I saw him.

He gave me the sweetest half smile and jumped out of his teachers arms into mine.

Never minding that Winnie was already nuzzled on my chest.

My arms and heart were full!

His eyes were swollen, he seemed content and exhausted. He had a "rough morning."

I didn't dare ask what that entailed. I would rather not know. 

His teacher went onto tell me the highlights of his day.

That he was nervous to go down the slide but he did give the other children a gentle push on their way down. They all loved him doing that and she said they couldn't stop laughing.

She told me about how he ate really well and that snack times was his favorite. Thats my boy ;) 

Then she looked me in the eyes and asked me how I was really doing.

Jett put HIMself to bed just after six. Needless to say he was tuckered out.

I think this will be a good thing.

As my mom has said "we are about to turn corners."

Today Kyler was teasing me that I shouldn't hang up pictures because I didn't have the skills  to use are drill and laser level. Oh but I do ;) I told him not to put limits on me!

Our house is starting to come together quite swimmingly! 

 I thought of my sweet Jett and wondered who I am to ever put limits on him?!

I have a feeling that our Jett-Jett will be ROCKing preschool!