balm for my soul

The last few months have been a bit rocky. I repeatedly have told myself to stop looking from side to side for answers and start looking up... I have wanted nothing more than to be closer to family. I fell hard for the idea of my children growing up in a little farm house in the country surrounded by cousins and summers spent eating ice-cream floats at their Grandmothers house. 

Boise seemed like a perfect marriage between Utah and Oregon. Within weeks of making our decision our house was sold with the strong possibility of an exciting new career. Everything seemed to be falling into place...until it completely fell apart!. Finding myself repeatedly telling my loved ones that it "was in the lords hands anyway." Wondering if I truly believed it? I cried my share of bitter tears. Kyler and I have been so nomadic, our restless souls never wanting  to settle down. Even in our wonderful home {that we bought saying forever}in our sleepy little neighborhood I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I we were just camping..... for the past 3 years ..never willing to call this great State home. Not daring to put down roots...

Then something happened. Finally my stubborn soul surrendered and I remembered something that my Mom said to me "the greatest thing we can say at an end of a prayer is Thy will be done....and mean it!" As soon as I said those words it was like a balm for my soul. I started falling in love with the beehive state. The mountains never seemed more impressive!

 

The feeling of gratitude poured out like honey. I could feel gratitude saving me. I felt excited to take part in everything I wanted to take part in before.. but never really allowed myself...after all it would have only made leaving harder... And ashamed. How did I not see everything I had before?  Why couldn't I trust his plan sooner. I could have saved myself and my little family the heart ache of never allowing ourselves the sweet peace of contentment? I mean it was never "if" we moved home it was always "when." Kyler told me that all he has ever wanted was for me is to be happy. Kyler if you are reading this I am happy.

This life is delicate and beautiful and oh so difficult at times. Even with the clumsy mess I seem to make of it :) I am in love with it.

 I am definitely embarrassed with how many dreams and goals and elaborate intentions I have shared on this blog...only to give up shortly after. But you know what they say "the smallest good deed is better than the grandest intentions!" I am better for sharing my hopes and dreams and shortcomings. I have missed writing on here. 

With the coming of spring and flowers blossoming and birds singing I can hear the little voice in my mind speaking louder reminding me that everything I have ever wanted is wanting me back and that I can be the person I would like to be... One. day . at . a . time.. I am thankful for the renewal  that spring brings. I am all about second chances ;)

I realized that all I have ever needed to be is the very best version of myself. There is so much that is not in my hands. I am learning to accept that. But there is so much that is!! I am thrilled about that. I CAN be one of those ladies with a tidy home and a fit body and who just shines with the light of Christ!! It is a choice....and I am grateful that it is mine ;)

Hope your spring if full of less cleaning and more breaks ;) It really does feel so good to be writing again :)

*My way to awesome older sister wrote this about "when we wait to be perfect we wait to long." She is such a talented writer and wise beyond her years...and that it was exactly what I needed to hear! Love that..Love her.