on a quest to find beautiful.

Did you keep a diary growing up? I have entries scattered through out my youth. Part of me finds each and every entry hilarious the other part of me thinks they would be best served as fire starter. But for posterity sake burn they must not. They need to know the truth....I was a stalker in junior high ;) Every boy I found handsome had a page dedicated to why and a million signatures with my first name in front of their last! Luckily I was just as awkward as I was shy and so my undying love was always kept a secret. 

In high school I was told "I was they type of girl you want to marry, not date." At 17 I found that to be devastating. At 24 I can't think of a kinder thing a teenage boy could have ever said to me. Reading through I couldn't help but smile at the things that haven't changed (I still have the same best friends since elementary school and a mom and sisters who are the very best)....entires full of my "aunt made me this" and "my Pops took me here." make my heart smile. I could feel my lips turn upwards unconsciously remembering my Grandma instructing me on how to butter toast.....corner to corner, let it sink in and then add more butter, so you can see it :)

But what I hate (I know, such a strong word) was how long it has taken to simply love myself, to accept myself. I so desperately wanted to be "beautiful" In the most worldly kind of way. I was less than kind to myself spiritually and physically (I struggled with eating disorders.)

I woke up yesterday on my 24th birthday realizing something that made me utterly and hopeless excited....I am finally starting to look inward on my quest to find beautiful. I feel a stirring that the best is yet to be. 

I think I like the person I am starting to become.

I was thinking about things I would like to do/experience in this life. With out a start & stop date. Here we go:

>> I hoping to adopt a little girl from china. Reading through my old diaries it seems to be something that I have always longed to do. Kyler is apprehensive and reserved. Six of his 11 siblings were adopted and in my eyes it was such  a good thing! When we were dating he said he would and I keep reminding him of that. He keeps reminding me that I told him I liked football....;)

>> Some day I plan on building a farm house with a little red barn. complete with chickens. And for my children to wear rain boots wherever they might go...

>> I always want to Hunger and thirst after knowledge.

>> I am naturally a messy person...my husband would die of happiness if I wasn't. I promised myself I would never change for a man but sometimes you just have to give ;) 

>> Run a marathon. Which is funny because I don't enjoy running. But I want to enjoy that and yoga. I hear they are both therapeutic. I want to radiate with health. You know the type of person that looks at a healthy recipes and thinks "Oh I have all the ingredients in my pantry!"  instead of  getting overwhelmed and saying"how does chili dogs sound?"

>> I would love to grow my blog. Because through writing I am finding my voice. And I have a lot to say ;)

>> Most of all I want to have the light of Christ shine from my very countenance. I want to be brave enough to not only share but live what I know to be true. 

There you have it my hopes and dreams in print :)